QboutQ+R

Now, there is NO way I am going to see Grindhouse in theatres, but when I do later this year on DVD, should it be two separate films? Please help. Should it Planet Terror and/or Death Proof? What do you think?

The Film Song of the Past Four Weeks, 3/30/2007

THE FILM SONG OF THE WEEK



"Somebody to Love"
Anne Hathaway
Ella Enchanted

I love this song. When I first saw this film, I was incredibly and pleasently surprised at Annie's vocal power. Another reason to love her! This has to be one of the greatest Queen covers I've ever heard. And yes, Heidi Klum is in the movie and playing a giant. I know, I know. But it's rather small. Great song, good film.

Previous Weeks:

"Breakaway"

"A Love Before Time"

"So Long and Thanks For All the Fish"

[tilts head in confusion and wonder]

(found at worth1000 and adapted for my liking)

Please Stop Singing While I'm Singing!

- There must be Robots worse than I!
- We checked around, there really aren't.

This clip brought to you by childhood. My weird-ass childhood. That is all.

Testosterone Boys + Harlequin Girls

From ColbertNation, the absolutely hilarious and questionably disturbing covers for Stephen Colbert's Harlequin "audition"...

"ARRGH YOU LONESONE TONIGHT?"

"GO WEST FOR GOLD, YOUNG OLYMPIC PARASAILER"

"I'M CALLING MY LAWYER!"

Brilliant. Stephen Colbert in a eye patch is pure comic bliss. Once you think about it, the last one is one of the most disturbing things ever put on this blog. And that's another Bill O'Reilly parody.

(if you don't get the title, it's panic! at the disco and I thought it was appropriate)

Why Are Austalians Better Than Us? Really?

(excuse me for using your banner; it's for good)

I am in the early stages of addiction for Stale Popcorn, the blog child of Aussie Glenn Dunks.

He has been a constant face on the Film Experience Blog, which was my beginning with this blog. It is a very good and well-written film and general entertainment blog from [checks clock] 14 hours in the future. There are many aspects of it I enjoy, and others make me question his sanity (Herbie: Fully Loaded... with sh*t! I warned you.) Here is his blog description...

Stale Popcorn, noun, 1. A veritable cornucopia of movie geekdom, celebrity worship, Australian film discussion and all with occasional musical interludes! All wrapped up in the salty buttery taste of movie popcorn that's been sitting in the box for too long. What's not to love?

Good point. I'll eat the popcorn even if it was thrown off a building, intercepted by international jewel thiefs, and laced with LSD. That'll be a fun movie. Let's go see A Scanner Darkly and understand it!!

But one thing is his weird obsession with Hugh Jackman and Jamie Bell. For the latter, may I point you this post. Nothing wrong with it, but the way it is is creepy, almost stalkerish. I'm open-minded.

With movie haikus, shared appreciaton for what the Academy doesn't and nice white ladies, and a really funny Poseidon drinking game that is sure to get you drunk off your ass before they even think about trying to escape, I must admit, it's a great thing. And according to my calculations, he should be sleeping... in the future. And it's also tomorrow. Muahaha.

COLORS

Well, I'm off to see Curse of the Golden Flower. I have it on DVD, and literally have, and I am awaiting my brain's acceptance to actually watch it. It should be any minute now, when I finish this post and a small Hayley binge. So, what am I expecting? I think Hero and House of Flying Daggers are two of the best films ever made, and reviews for this have been favorable, but considerably less than Zhang Yimou's earlier masterpieces. Most say it is worth it, if for the magnificent color scheme alone.

But, ironic in a way, I wanted to see this more when I heard my wife wouldn't be in it. It's absolutely great that he asked Gong Li to play Empress Phoenix, since the role is that of mature sexuality, which Ziyi can't cut. 28 is not the maturity of the role. Sorry, honey.

I'm anticipating it to get Production Design, Costume Design, and Foreign Language Film JMC noms at least.

So, brain, are we ready? Yes we are. I'll try to post my thoughts or however close to thoughts they may be.

I Think I Just Died

Guess what? Modern comedy icons Cheri Oteri, Maya Rudolph, Amy Sedaris, and Amy Poehler will all play princess assassins in Shrek the Third!!!! That is incredibles news!!! That is all.

Alassë

(translation from Quenya = "happiness")

I am in hearts with Hayley Westenra. Who? She is a New Zealand-born soprano who has shot to fame for her incredible talent. She is only 19 (she turns 20 on April 10th,) and she has had much success all over the world, especially when she joined the world-famous female tour Celtic Woman.

Why am I showing her love? One song to rule them all.

Her cover of Enya's "May It Be" from The Fellowship of the Ring. One of the greatest film songs in history (my opinion,) and this version did it incredible justice. Her voice is remarkable and so nicely paced, even though you can tell it's faster than the original. It's breathtakingly beautiful, but can she work with Ave Maria?

It's a miracle. Universally considered one of the most beautiful songs ever written, she ran with it. Amazing. Her voice is of the angels, and I don't think I've ever praised someone voice this much. But what about... Simon & Garfunkel?

I saw this performance last week while accidentally turning off the VCR and it was on PBS. Wow. This is what led me to her. I was searching for this song, and I found a goldmine of beauty and awe. Her voice transcends language barriers and cultural differences. When you hear her voice, you stop thinking. All you can do is take in the wonderment and serene majesty of her angelic siren call. When she finishes, you want more. The memory of her songs coo your dreams, never unlatching from your psyche. You yearn to hear it again and again, never getting old or less impacting.

And I've never been this articulate. Ever. She is something.

PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3:

AT WORLD'S END
In Theatres May 25th

And now, belated anticipation...

Anneliese to AnnaSophia

A young German girl named Anneliese Michel began experiencing extremely strange and horrifying things around her. She went to her local priest, Father Ernst Alt, who determined she was possessed by an agent of the devel. And with Anneliese's consent, they performed a series of exorcisms with the aproval of Bishop Josef Stangl. The exorcism ultimately failed, and she died of starvation on July 1, 1976. He, also with Annaliese's parents, was charged with negligent homicide, and the trial began in May 1978. Father Alt was defended by Erich Schmidt-Leichner, famous for defending Nazi war criminals at Nuremburg, who defended that exorcism was legal and protected by Germany's constitution under the right to religious beliefs. The trial was highly publizied and potentially problematic for the church. Eventually, all accused were found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced six months probation. Why am I saying this? Because I'm weird.

COMING SOON TO JMC: The Religious Horror Myself And Maybe Others Blog-a-Thon.

Just myself, or if anyone else wants to join, they can. Religious horror is the name of the game. The Exorcist, The Passion of the Christ, The Omen, and of course The Exorcism of Emily Rose and Requiem, which are based on Anneliese's story. All this for anticipation for The Reaping, opening in 13 days. Very ominous. I have never actually the first two films and I know I should. I actually have TPotC, and tried watching it once, but 20 minutes in had to quit because I felt dizzy-sick. Goals! And, if you know any good religious horror movies, and not Se7en (which I guess could count,) you can suggest them. That'll be great. So...

Yes, in German. I thought it was appropriate.

Carlynky

To your left is Jessica Makinson, one of the stars of the new Comedy Central show, "Halfway Home." Now, the show is good, but it's not the best thing to happen to the network in years. That's "The Sarah Silverman Program." It's still suprisingly good, and her character of Carly has emerged so far as my favorite character, mainly because she is the least there. She doesn't have that much to do, and that's apparently good. But, she says something that shoots her in the lead. It has not appeared so far in an aired episode, but it was in a spot:

"Calling us stupid is an insult to idiots!"

God, that great. Here are some links I've seen across the interweb.

• My New Plaid Pants has a freakish and slightly disturbing cartoon involving 300 and penises.
• Film Ick has news of the Wonder Woman movie possible maybe casting. Why am I caring? It's Robin. I care now.
• Cinematical has announced a new job for Emily Charlton. Good luck, Em.
• E! reports that the 'rumors' of Nicole Richie's health are basically true with a stunning yet not that shocking revelation.

And, sadly, Nathaniel has not yet complied with my demands. Poor soul. [masking tape rips]

Holding Nathaniel Hostage

Muahahahahaha!!!!

How am I doing this? Fn + prt sc, my friend.

AHA! That is a picture of the creation of this post in the creation of this post!!! I RULE YOU ALL!!!!!!!

So, I shall know commence with the first act-twist: I shall now blognap Nathaniel R. [gasps, fainting]

For you see,

I've taken Cate. She is screaming in the pain of getting bluntly stabbed. Muahaha. I had to. I didn't want to, but I had to. I'm sorry Cate. [muffled "it's okay, just let me go, please"] I wish it were that simple. I really, truly do.

I have your money. Muahahahaha.

So, Mr. Rogers, want to know when I'll come for you? Hm? Open your eyes.

[nat opens eyes]

Fear, for fear can save you from your ominous fate. But there is more at stake...

I have Pfeiffer. [nat: you heartless bastard!!!] I know, I know. Sticks and bones may break your bones since you said that. You may be wondering by now, "What the hell do I want?" Well, Mr. Rogers, all I want is...

Your soul.

And a link in your blog sidebar. And maybe some traffic linking. Okay? Do that and I'll let you go. If not... consequences will be enacted. Muahahaha.

Believe

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can acheive
When you believe
Somehow you will
Now you will
You will when you

Believe.

What's In A Name?

That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Well, I still stink. Found at ModFab.

Your Real Name: Joseph. Yeah, I know.

Your Gangsta Name (1st 4 letters plus izzle): Joseizzle. I'm a latino gangsta, homes.

Your Detective Name (fave color + fave animal): Midnight Squirrel. Stealthy.

Your Soap Opera Name (middle name + childhood street): Dean Walmore. Are you sure it isn't my porn name? Oh, wait, soap opera. What's the difference?

Your Star Wars Name (last 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of your first name + first 3 letters of Mom’s maiden name): Dgejodea (pronounced Geh-joe-deah, almost Jedidiah.) Uh... wow.

Your Superhero Name (2nd fave color + fave drink): Green Cherry Coke. I am the suckiest superhero ever.

Your Witness Protection Name (Grandma/Grandpa’s first name + Jones): Walt Jones. Yeah, that's inconspicuous.

Your Goth Name (Black + name of one of your pets): Black Thunder. I thought I was supposed to emo, not black.

Your American Idol Name (fav car and sea food): Viper Dolphin. Don't judge me. It tastes good. What?!

Your Movie Star Name (sibling’s middle name + mother's maiden name): Robert Dean. I'm gonna be HUGE!

Your Alter Ego (name of one your childhood pets + popular brand of clothes when you were young): Thunder Old Navy. Sounds like a seastorm.

Your Lawyer Name (fav actor’s last name + fav hard liquor): Gyllenhaal Tequila. I doubt I'll be accepted into the bar, much less have a law firm. Jeez. As for Jake, there was no one better.

Your Hip Hop Name (fav candy + fruit): Bottlecaps Apple. Awesome. Just awesome.

River, O River

(picture source)

I like music. Music like me. Or I can assume so, since music isn't a person. The songs I am addicted to at this moment are...

• Beyoncé and Shakira ~ "Beautiful Liar"
• Christina Aguilera ~ "Candyman"
• M2M ~ "Don't Say You Love Me"
• AnnaSophia Robb ~ "Keep Your Mind Wide Open"
• Faith Hill & Tim McGraw ~ "Like We Never Loved At All"
• Feist ~ "Mushaboom"
• Katherine McPhee ~ "Over It"
• The Killers ~ "Read My Mind"
• Good Charlotte ~ "The River"
• Ofra Haza ~ "River Lullaby"
• Anne Hathaway ~ "Somebody To Love"
• Katherine McPhee ~ "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
• Joss Stone ~ "Tell Me Bout It"

Yeah. This has a point.

Wait, it doesn't. Except for a post space between the 16/07 posts. I could do more of these. Not this now, but that later. Yeah. Me work on #16 now. Nye-nye lanky.

16/07 #17: Honorable Mentions

As you can imagine, this is a pre-countdown post. Obviously so, since the countdown is only 16. This is for all the films considered, and did not make it in. And they are (in alphabetical order)...

April 23 (dir. Jerome Salle)

Starring: Kate Beckinsale
This is one of the most mysterious of the films I want to see, and from what I can imagine from the little given, it's pretty good. Maybe something we've seen before, maybe not. It just seems incredibly intriguing.

Atonement (dir. Joe Wright)
Starring: Keira Knightley, James McAvoy, Romola Garai, Brenda Blethyn, and Vanessa Redgrave
Again, a mystery. But a mystery with a source. And it has the right amount of confusion on top of the fact that it is a novel. Plus Keira and the people that made her an Oscar nominee. This wait shall grow.

Bee Movie (dir. Steve Hickner/Simon J. Smith)

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, John Goodman, Chris Rock, Alan Arkin, Patrick Warburton, Eddie Izzard, Kathy Bates, Rip Torn, Megan Mullally, and Barry Levinson

And a good year of animated movies is on the way, and this is no doubt one of them. Jerry Seinfeld is still funny, right? Right?

El Cantante (dir. Leon Ichaso)
Starring: Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez

Apparently, this proves J.Lo can act. That's reason enough. But there's something else about this makes me intensely curious. Great buzz out of Toronto.

Enchanted (dir. Kevin Lima)

Starring: Amy Adams, Patrick Dempsey, James Marsden, Timothy Spall, Idina Menzel, and Susan Saradon

A deserved Oscar nominee shall hopefully come back to somewhat respectable work after Talladega Nights. Will it be good? Probably. Am I sweating it? Nah. I have better things to do.

Evan Almighty (dir. Tom Shadyac)

Starring: Steve Carell, Lauren Graham, and Morgan Freeman

He's a growing star, and his character had the funniest scene in Bruce Almighty, so why not? I have no objection.

Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel (dir. Garreth Carrivick)

Starring: Anna Faris

Drunk friends time travel. Cool. Anna Farris. Even cooler.

Goya's Ghosts (dir. Milos Forman)

Starring: Javier Bardem, Natalie Portman, Stellen Skarsgard, Blanca Portillo, and Randy Quaid

I really hope that turns out to be more Ask the Dust than All the King's Men.

I Think I Love My Wife (dir. Chris Rock)

Starring: Chris Rock, Kerry Washington, Gina Torres, and Steve Buscemi

Now this looks good. Suprisingly to an extent, but still. Chris Rock is always funny, and it's not his fault the Oscars he hosted was one of the worst. That was the producers' fault.

The Last Mimzy (dir. Bob Shaye)

Starring: Chris O'Neal, Rhiannon Leigh Wryn, Joely Richardson, Rainn Wilson, Kathryn Hahn, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Timothy Hutton

Admittedly, this looked better before. And Rainn Wilson annoys the hell out of me. I might see it eventually.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets (dir. Jon Turteltaub)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Diane Kruger, Justin Bartha, Harvey Keitel, and Jon Voight

Okay. But the three-year courtesy is great for this. I'm actually kind of excited in the "Really?" way. I hope this is actually good.

Sin City 2 (dir. Robert Rodriguez/Frank Miller)

Starring: Clive Owen, Rosario Dawson, Jessica Alba, Mickey Rourke, Brittany Murphy, and Angelina Jolie (rumoured to be official)

I had no interest in actually seeing it, but once I did, I thought it was pretty damn good. Now, I'm not awaiting this in any fanboy-craz-obsessive sort of way, but it'll probably be good. And Angelina? Who knows?

And something else...

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (dir. Tim Story)

Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Doug Jones, Kerry Washington, and Julian McMahon

Oy. Oy very, very much.

So, what 16 could possibly make it in? You already just thought of four.

Anything I Can Do You Can Do Better

I'm on the D-List.

I feel sad now.

In other news...

On the blog of Modern Fabulousity, I am a "Multiple Comment Celebutante." Why? Because I comment on that blog. It's a widely read blog, and by commenting on it, once a week, he posts We Love Comments (And Those Who Leave Them). Last week, I lost my [comment] viginity, and what was posted:

Joe's Movie Corner guesses the father of Naomi Watts' baby (it's not Kong!)...

And this week:

Joe's Movie Corner says The Lion King is the best movie ever. No, really.

Yes. Really. Obviously talking about this and this, and yes, I do think The Lion King is the best movie ever. I haven't seen Citizen Kane. It's layered in my subconscience. Years and years of it just getting better. Hans Zimmer's excellent score, one of the best ever. I will not hide my love for it. I'm not insane, so don't even try it.

Oh, and mini or as much as I can do reviews of Zodiac and 300 coming by the end of the week. Don't forget, I have 16/07 to do. Gotta get moving.

For good meaure... #16 involves someone who was on a Disney Channel show... and it's not Britney Spears.

16/07

Sorry, you're too late. Oh, what are you gonna do with that there? [swish] Okay. That hurts.

Well, since I do have an exponential amount of films I really want to see, I'll make a list.

And I know that, eventually, I'll actually finish one of these, so, I hope this is it.

400 years ago, some Brits landed in Viriginia and raped 12 year-olds and became a Disney movie. In honour of that, I named my list of most anticipated films this year 16/07, which is (obviously) the 16 films I can't wait to see the most.

Don't forget, I already saw Bridge to Terabithia and 300, my former #1 and Top Ten finalist, so they are gone. And actually, on this list, there are a couple that open Friday, so... I must finish this by Thursday. Individualized and everything.

So... will you join me?

A-B-C... B-E-L-A-T-E-D... B-I-G T-I-M-E...

As the title suggests, this is a special thing to waste my time. An Extremely Belated Alphabetical Look at 2006 in Film, but then again, I belate everything...

A is for Al Gore, who is still upset about winning the 2000 Presidential election.
B is for Borat, whom I still hate. Very much.
C is for the Curse of Effie White. J-Hud, watch your back...
D is for Deafness. Obviously for Rinko Kikuchi in Babel, but also for a certain young actress who apparently is deaf, because she doesn't like listening to anyone about anything... Lindsay, come on now. Put down the martini, pull up the panties, and stop making Just My Luck. You made that 2 years ago!! You're too drunk. I'm taking your keys. DON'T HIT ME, BITCH!!!!!
E is for equality and internationalism. Look at the Oscars. 7 White Americans were nominated, 4 African-Americans, 4 from the UK, an African, an Australian, an Asian, a Spainard and a Mexican. Yup.
F is for Fox. Really? This is the studio that has broght us Ben-Hur, Titanic, and Big Momma's House 1 & 2. Bonus points of idiocy: FOX News, and the idea of FOX News.
G is for Gay Bashing. Why is that relevant? Apparently, because one movie it's ass beat by another movie.
H is for Hair. Fresh off the shaved look from Jarhead, we have the amazingly still hot Natalie Portman, and then... um, this guy.
I is for Illusions. Edward Norton, Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman teamed up to make LL's career disappear...
J is for Johnny Depp, who received his 4th consecutive Golden Globe nomination. Even if he wasn't good, Johnny will be there!
K is for Kirsten Dunst, who makes me smile. And more smiles...
L is for Latin blood. Del Toro, Inarritu, Cuaron, Cruz, Almodovar, and Perez Hilton? Something's wrong there.
M is for Marty Scorsese. Congrats, man. You deserved it.
N is for 9/11. Never forget. Don't forget United 93 at least.
O is for Ofelia, the most important child character of the year.
P is for PIRATES!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Keira - we get the message.
Q is for Queen Elizabeth [insert numeral here], who had an excellent year. Cate Blanchett, Judi Dench, and of course, Helen Mirren all had a great year.
R is for Rachel Weisz, new Academy Award-winner and mother. And apparently a tree.
S is for Stranger Than Fiction, Monster House, Trust the Man, Word Trade Center, and especially Sherrybaby. Maggie G 4 Evs.
T is for Tim Allen, who undoubtedly had the worst year. BUT, Paris Hilton is still alive, so...
U is for Underwear, not really film-related, but still. It's something you should have to have a film career. [staring at LL]
V [is] for ... Come on. What do you think I'm gonna say?
W is for Wayans, a name we really shouldn't see anymore.
X is for X-Men: The Last Movie Because Everyone Dies.
Y is for Yussef, who shot Susan, who freaked out Richard, who called Amelia, who neglected Dakota Fanning's little and talented sister.
and Z is for, not Ziyi, but for Zach Helm, whom, with Michael Arndt, are the best new screenwriters we have in the game. Great work from the both of them.

And special shout-out to Akeelah Anderson, whose spelling helped me through this.

I'm weird.

Punch Was Served

I hate MySpace. In the figurative form of the word.

It's going through "routine maintenance" right now, right at the peak of my wakeism. I can't do a damn thing!

Oh, and here's a hilarious conversion between a dog and a Nazi:

(Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus)

German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.

Tour Guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...

Brian: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...

Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.

Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.

Tour Guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.

Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.

Tour Guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. [You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.] (Throws his hand up in a Hitler salute)

Brian: Uh, is that a beer hall?

Tour Guide: (Snapping out of it) Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

(source)

Wow.

And, on a much less disturbing note, it is exactly one day from my birth!!!! Not the day, the time. 3:47 am. 3 + 4 = 7. Sorry, I'm going all Number 23 on yo ass.

God, I'm bored. Oh, and to myself...

I'm awesome. Don't deny it.

A Banner For All The Nations Of The World To Unite

You can see it above, but here it is for the future, if and when I choose to get rid of it.

And the subtext:

The only film I can truly call The Greatest Film Ever Made.

That is as true as I can be. It truly is, I think. It holds a place in my heart that cannot be explained. It is the first film I've ever seen, and the first IMAX film I've ever seen. Actually, let's have some more first out here:

FIRST FILM IN THEATRES: The Lion King (1994).

FIRST G RATED FILM IN THEATRES: The Lion King (1994)
FIRST PG RATED FILM IN THEATRES: unknown

FIRST PG-13 RATED FILM IN THEATRES: Godzilla (1998)

FIRST R RATED FILM IN THEATRES: Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

FIRST VIDEO: unknown
FIRST DVD PLAYER: Emerson (2003)
FIRST DVD: E.T. The Extra Terrestrial (2002)

FIRST [FOR SALE] CD: Backstreet Boys, Millenium (1998)
FIRST ACADEMY AWARDS MOMENT I CAN CLEARLY REMEMBER: Adrien Brody mouth-raping Halle Berry at the 75th (2003)
FIRST ACADEMY AWARD FORECAST YEAR: 2005 (71.4%)
FIRST [LEGALLY] DOWNLOADED SONG: Gwen Stefani, "Wind It Up" (2006)
FIRST GAME CONSOLE: Game Boy Color (2000)
FIRST NON-PORTABLE GAME CONSOLE: PlayStation 2 (2002)
FIRST VIDEO GAME: Pokémon Silver (2000)
FIRST OBSESSION-LEVEL T.V. SHOW BEYOND TODDLERDOM: Pokémon (1999)

That's all I can think of.

And Pokémon -- Greatest. Show. Ever.

Seriously.

The Film Song of the Week, 3/2/2007

THE FILM SONG OF THE WEEK



"Breakaway"
Kelly Clarkson
The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

This is a good song. Don't forget, I don't choose them. Randominity does.

It really is. And -- written by Avril Lavigne for a film starring Anne Hathaway. Excellent.

Previous Weeks:

"A Love Before Time"

"So Long and Thanks For All the Fish"